Peace is Joy!

Something I've been surprised to discover in the last four-ish years of my life is how my God has responded to the smallest prayers in my life. Growing up, I constantly saw all my flaws and was painfully aware of my shortcomings. They seemed so overwhelming, that I would push them to the back of my mind, by watching TV or immersing myself in other stories...anything to keep from having to face them head on.

These areas, haunting me in the back of my mind and heart, always kept me from being lighthearted and free to engage with other people. If I were to walk into a group of people I did not know, I would be very shy and certain they did not like me...simply because I was afraid they would think the same thing of my flaws that I did. Ugly.

But in the past four years, God has done a beautiful thing. As one of these things would surface from the back of my mind, instead of instant fear, I could feel him letting me know he wasn't afraid of this thing; that he wouldn't reject me for this flaw. And through that, I had the courage to look it head on and in honest sincerity, say, Lord, I don't know what to do about this. It's stupid or ugly and I don't want to be this way...will you fix it?

Some things, like learning to prefer others over me seemed to take forever. I remember always trying to get my way. I simply liked what I liked and if someone else didn't then I would try and persuade them to my point of view, because that was the only way I'd enjoy myself.

I remember noticing this when Chris and I would want to go see a movie. We have very different tastes; she prefers martial arts films and heavy duty action flicks and I like romantic comedies and not-so-heavy action flicks. Whenever we'd go see a movie, it would turn into this.

Me: What do you want to see?
Chris: Ooh...how about Mission Impossible 3?
Me: (Involuntary face scrunch) Well, that's alright, but I really think you'd enjoy seeing 27 Dresses? What do you think? Huh, huh? I'm sure you'll like it.
Chris: Okay, I'll go see 27 Dresses with you.

Now, this isn't a direct quote but I began to realize that my happiness was determined in getting my preference. This bothered me. So I began praying to the Lord, asking for the ability to care about Chris so that I could freely go with her to whatever movie she wanted without having to get my own way.

I stumbled and struggled and kept feeling this ickiness in my heart...and every time I did it, I would ask the Lord again. Finally, one day, Chris really wanted to see a new martial arts flick and this is what went through my mind..."I really don't want to see that flick, but I think Chris would really enjoy it. I don't have to thoroughly enjoy the movie to go see it with her. Okay, I'll go. I think she'll have fun at it."

And BOOM it hit me...this was a turning point! I had chosen to do something for my friend, willingly, because I knew she'd enjoy it. It wasn't a painful...fight to the death with my flesh...saying YOU WILL GO BECAUSE IT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO! No! It had just become more important to me to see her enjoy something than for me to enjoy it myself.

The joy inside of me began to grow. I could see a flicker of light ahead. I began to see the power of God working in my life...in real life. He'd given me the power to prefer someone over myself and it felt amazing!

This is only one example of the things I've chosen to face over the years. But the thing that brings me comfort, is that when issues present themselves, I'm not afraid to go to God with them. I'm know he's not ashamed of me or waiting to punish me. There is a confidence that he's waiting for me to show it to him and ask for help. There's a knowing that it brings him joy when I have confidence to bring it to him for an answer.

Over the last four years, as I encounter these turning points, I have become much more easy going. I don't have to be in control -- most of the time (suppressing a chuckle) -- I enjoy doing new things that others want to try. I am able to admit I have flaws and am a work in progress because I'm not so threatened. I know, that when my flesh rises up or the enemy tries to tempt me, that the Lord is not ashamed. He is the one who loves me and says "What is it? I can fix it. No need to be ashamed."

I know there are many things yet to be encountered but the past several years have brought a measure of peace I have never known. I am confident in saying that I am walking with the Lord and he is pleased to have me with him. And I'm thrilled that he has asked me to join him in the journey. He fights for me. He protects me. He offers me a comfort and a peace when I'm struggling with myself. This is the greatest joy I've ever known and I wanted to share that with you all.